Beyond Fitting In: Transformative Benefits of Neurodiversity-Affirming Coaching

Beyond Fitting In: Transformative Benefits of Neurodiversity-Affirming Coaching

by Simon Egerton 

NeuroAffirming Coach and Creator/Mentor for Natural Wellness Academy’s Certified Neurodivergence Life Coaching Program 

How did we get here?

Neurodiversity has become an increasingly recognised framework for understanding some of our differences. The term, coined by Australian sociologist Judy Singer in the late 1990s, reflects a shift from seeing conditions such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, or Tourette’s syndrome as deficits, to viewing them as natural variations in human neurology (Singer, 1999). This reframing has been part of the growing awareness, experiences and increased recognition of neurodivergemce, which in turn has led to a growth in neurodiversity coaching - an approach that seeks to support neurodivergent individuals to better manage and to thrive in a world not designed with the variations of neurodivergent processing in mind.

However, many coaching programmes marketed as 'neurodiversity-aware' still subtly reinforce conformity. There can also be a gentle pressure from parents to prioritise helping neurodivergent clients to manage, mask, or fit in to existing workplace or societal norms, rather than helping them to explore, understand, and value their neurodivergent experience. Whilst understandable and well-intentioned, these approaches can perpetuate the very dynamics that create the most stress and potential burnout for neurodivergent people (Raymaker et al., 2020).

 

Burnout for a neurodivergent individual is a far cry from extreme fatigue, and can manifest as “profound fatigue, heightened sensory-sensitivities, and a loss of skills, particularly executive functioning and speech abilities.” (Neff, 2024). 

As the subject of neurodiversity grows in society’s awareness (with mixed quality of information being readily available), it is worth examining the growing importance of neurodiversity-affirming coaching. This model acknowledges the validity of neurodivergent experience, recognises the costs of chronic 'fitting in', and seeks to empower individuals to advocate for themselves and others, but, importantly, at a pace and in a manner that is manageable for them. Self awareness and self care then become key tenets. We might even put the case that positive coaching of neurodivergent people should never have a focus of adjusting the individual to the environment, but about supporting the person to understand their needs, express them with confidence, and build sustainable, self-aligned ways of living and working.

The Hidden Costs of Fitting In

For many neurodivergent people, perhaps especially those late diagnoesd, the effort to appear 'neurotypical' has been deep learned and comes at a steep cost. Research on masking - the conscious or unconscious suppression of natural traits to conform to expected norms - shows that it is linked to anxiety, depression, and exhaustion (Hull et al., 2017). Masking may involve forcing eye contact, rehearsing social interactions, over-managing attention or emotions, hiding sensory sensitivities and so much more. Over time, the constant vigilance this requires can lead to burnout, a loss of knowing one’s own identity, and even trauma-like symptoms (Botha, 2020).

In workplace coaching, the dominant narrative has long been about 'performance optimisation' and being a 'professional fit.' For neurodivergent clients, this can easily translate into subtle - or not so subtle - pressure to adapt their natural communication, workflow, or energy patterns to match a neurotypical environment. Such approaches risk reinforcing ableist assumptions, that there is a ‘correct’ way to think, work, or relate.

A neurodiversity-affirming coach then helps their clients to recognise that their experiences (chronic fatigue, disconnection, or anxiety) are not personal weakness, but completely understandable responses to such a chronic misalignment between social expectations, an unsympathetic environment and the reality of their neurobiological processing (which includes frequent dysregulation of the nervous system). This reframing is not merely therapeutic - it can be liberating.

From Deficit to Difference: A Paradigm Shift in Coaching

The neurodiversity paradigm then can also offer a profound reorientation for the coaching profession. Instead of seeing neurodivergence as something to be treated or managed, it recognises it as part of human diversity, with its own unique strengths and challenges (Walker, 2021).

Traditional coaching models have tended to emphasise measurable outcomes and behavioural adjustment. While useful, they may inadvertently position the neurodivergent client as someone who must 'fix' themselves to succeed. A neurodiversity-affirming approach redefines success as authentic thriving: developing strategies that align with each individual’s natural wiring.

Language plays a crucial role here. Terms like 'high-functioning' or 'disorder' carry implicit judgements. In contrast, affirming coaching adopts identity-first and strengths-based language to validate the client’s lived experience (Brown, 2019).

The Core of Neurodiversity-Affirming Coaching

At its heart, neurodiversity-affirming coaching is about recognition, reflection, and reclamation.

Recognition: Clients are supported to recognise their own cognitive patterns, sensory preferences, communication styles, and emotional rhythms as legitimate aspects of their identity, not faults to correct.

Reflection: Clients are supported to reflect on how their environment and histories have shaped their self-perception as well as society’s, often unlearning internalised ableism.

Reclamation: Coaching becomes a space to reclaim agency—identifying supports, boundaries, and advocacy strategies that enable authentic living.

The Benefits of Affirmative Coaching

Validation and Psychological Safety: For many neurodivergent adults who have spent years being misunderstood or dismissed, simply hearing a validators phrase like 'That makes total sense' can be profoundly healing.

Authentic Self-Understanding: Clients begin to understand what truly supports or drains them, developing greater self knowledge and self compassion.

Improved Wellbeing: Coaching that encourages authenticity helps to reduce stress and burnout (Deci & Ryan, 2000).

Enhanced Self-Advocacy: As clients gain clarity, they begin to communicate their needs more confidently and to connect more deeply and authentically with those around them (including loved ones).

Community Connection: Recognising shared experiences fosters belonging and collective empowerment (Den Houting, 2019).

Towards a Culture of Authenticity and Inclusion

The broader impact of neurodiversity-affirming coaching extends beyond the individual. When neurodivergent people are supported to show up authentically, they model inclusive practices that benefit everyone (Austin & Pisano, 2017).

For organisations and places of work, this might mean moving from accommodation to inclusion by new design measures, creating environments that are flexible enough to suit diverse minds from the outset.

Conclusion

The benefits of neurodiversity-affirming coaching are both personal and cultural. For individuals, it means moving from experiences of exhaustion, isolation (or even a sense of rejection) to more self-acceptance, and from merely coping towards greater sense of connection. For the wider community, it fosters empathy, innovation, and inclusion.

Real transformation comes perhaps, when coaches facilitate an inner change away from imposed conformity towards greater sense of identity and perhaps emotional liberation, where differences are celebrated proudly as integral to our common humanity.

Simon Egerton is a Neuro-Affirming Coach and Co-creator/Mentor for the

Natural Wellness Academy’s Certified Neurodivergence Life Coaching program.

References

• Austin, R.D. & Pisano, G.P. (2017) Neurodiversity as a Competitive Advantage. Harvard Business Review, 95(3), pp.96–103.

• Botha, M. (2020) Autistic Camouflage and the Costs of Conformity. Autism in Adulthood, 2(4), pp.336–347.

• Brown, L.X.Z. (2019) Identity-First Language and the Neurodiversity Movement. In: D. Murray (ed.), Autism and Society: Critical Reflections. London: Routledge, pp. 53–68.

• Chapman, R. (2023) Neurodiversity and the Social Model of Disability: Moving from Theory to Practice. Disability & Society, 38(2), pp.241–258.

• Deci, E.L. & Ryan, R.M. (2000) The 'What' and 'Why' of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), pp.227–268.

• Den Houting, J. (2019) Neurodiversity: An Insider’s Perspective. Autism, 23(2), pp.271–273.

• Hull, L. et al. (2017) 'Putting on My Best Normal': Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), pp.2519–2534.

• Milton, D. (2012) On the Ontological Status of Autism: The 'Double Empathy Problem'. Disability & Society, 27(6), pp.883–887.

•  Neff, M-A. (2024) Self-Care for Autistic People, p56

• Raymaker, D.M. et al. (2020) Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew: Defining Autistic Burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), pp.132–143.

• Singer, J. (1999) 'Why Can’t You Be Normal for Once in Your Life?' From a 'Problem with No Name' to the Emergence of a New Category of Difference. In: M. Corker & S. French (eds.), Disability Discourse. Buckingham: Open University Press, pp.59–70.

• Walker, N. (2021) Neuroqueer Heresies: Notes on the Neurodiversity Paradigm, Autistic Empowerment, and Postnormal Possibilities. San Francisco: Autonomous Press.